


Oh, Killua

by fudgepop321



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5760250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fudgepop321/pseuds/fudgepop321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story focuses on 6-year old Killua Zoldyck, who was sent away to The Heavens Arena to fight- and told not to come home until he reaches the 200th floor. The rejection from his family stirs negative emotions in the junior assassin. He remembers all the times he messed up, and concludes that they sent him away in hopes he'd never return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The road to Hell- er, rather, The Heavens Arena!

     "And don't you even  _think_ about coming home before reaching floor 200, Kill." The words rang in my ears. My deep teal eyes stung at the remembrance of my father's last words as he had been sending his son away to the Heavens Arena. I understand that my father wanted me to be stronger. After all, I  _was_ the prodigy of the Zoldyck family, but come on. They could have sent me to assassinate some big CEO or something simple like that, but no.  _He's done so much more in the past, though!_ mother's words came rushing into my head.  _Besides, this will give my Killua a chance at some independence,_ she had insisted. 

     And so, I found myself here. Wherever here is. Of course, I'm sure my parents sent someone to watch over me. Probably Clive, my least favorite but still trustworthy butler. Or maybe Canary, the girl about my age who had began training with the butlers not too long ago. But I doubt they would've been that generous to either of them. Mother doesn't want me to have friends. Canary had seemed nice when I spoke to her, but she didn't want to be friends because she's too scared that I would kill her if she made me mad. But I don't like to kill kids. I don't particularly care, but it's a lot of trouble and I would rather not kill someone Dad hired. Who Mom and Dad sent to tail me depends on how much they believed in me today. It seems to change a lot. Regardless, whoever it was must be very stealthy. I could sense someone watching me, but only because of my extensive training and the part where I knew I would be observed. That was all I knew though. I couldn't really tell where he or she was. Grams says that when I'm older, I'll be able to hear my opponent's footsteps, and someday even their heartbeat! It depends on how much and how hard I train, though.

     I tried to stay as quiet as I could since I was walking on crunchy leaves. I knew I was just going somewhere, it's not like I was on a mission, but it still bothered me how obvious and loud my movements were. I thought it was odd that the rabbits weren't scampering away from my noisy sneakers, when I realized something. I actually wasn't being loud. I only thought so because my ears were so sensitive. My whole family, except for my brothers (but I was sure they thought so too), told me that I was really advanced for my age. Mom said that when she was six she wasn't nearly as strong and intelligent as I was.

But, if everyone thinks I'm so powerful, why did they send me away? Did I do something that made them mad, and I just don't remember? I thought so hard that I forgot all about my loud-but-quiet shoes. Then I remembered. Two nights ago, Mom yelled because she found me eating a bag of potato chips in the highest branch of the tree that towered over the main tower of our living quarters. She must have sent me away because I ate so much without asking permission first. But Dad wouldn't send me away for something I did that upset Mom, would he? Maybe I didn't do well enough in training. I remember now! I had to stop after only 30 miles. Usually I could do lots more, but he made me run right after poison training. Maybe he thought that I was weak because I got sick and had to stop my session.

Whatever. It was not like me to worry about the past so much. What mattered now was to make it to the Heavens Arena and get to floor 200 so I could prove that I could take care of myself even if I do mess up sometimes.

I sighed and kicked a rock. As I watched it zoom into a bush to the left, I became aware of somebody joining the trail I was walking on, about a half mile behind me. I could tell by he way that they sounded that it was a man, at least 160 lbs, and he was trying to be quiet, but not doing very well. Wait, I could hear his footsteps, just like Gramps said I could!

Elated, I hitched my burgundy backpack further up my back and played with the straps. I decided to ignore him for now. If he was that big of a problem, whoever was tailing me would deal with hem, or at least help me if they attacked. 

After about 20 minutes of trecking, I had switched from a skippy type walk to more of a bored sulk. Finally, I came across a sign that said:

_** Heavens Arena! ** _

_Work hard, train often, reap the fame and fortune you deserve!_

Underneath the text was a wooden box, once filled with dozens of maps, but now there was only one left, which I took. There was a big red line trailing from where I was standing to a town about 10 miles ahead. I flipped to the other side for a more detailed picture of the town itself, so I knew where to go to register. But, just my luck- there was a great big water stain over where the Heavens Arena should've been. Oh well. I'd ask around once I got to town. I decided this would be the last chance I had to be alone for a few days, so I sat down under an oak tree and pulled off my bag. Out of it, I produced my water bottle and a granola bar I had purchased at a convenience store store about 40 miles back, before I'd started walking this morning. 

I had been dragging my feet so much because I didn't really want to go to the Arena. It's so stupid. Why couldn't I just keep training at home? Besides, all I knew about the Heavens Arena was that you fight to go to higher floors, and that you win money whenever you win fights. Because you earn money by winning, Dad only let me bring enough money to last a week of meals. Everything else I would have to earn by myself.

I peeled open my granola bar and examined the wrapper. It said that it was s'mores flavor. I chose this kind because Mom wouldn't let the maids buy it. She said that sweets made her fat.

~~~

_"Mommy, why don't you eat dessert with the family?" I asked innocently. Three-year-old me  couldn't understand how anyone could pass up on a yummy treat._

_"Well, honey, sweets have a whole lot of unhealthy things in them that can be harmful to your body," she replied. And alarm flashed in my head. Harmful means bad, like poison! I wasted no time in shoving my fingers down my throat, like I was trained to do if I ever ate poison. After my supper spilled all over the tiled floor, Mommy looked at me, terrified yet amused._

_"Killua, dear, why on Earth did you do that?" She exclaimed. I immediately knew I must have done something wrong. I fiddled with the end of my shirt and bit my lip to stop myself from crying._

_"You said it was bad... like poison. So I got rid of it just like 'Ummi said to..." She erupted with laughter as she realized what had happened. Mommy got up and ruffled my white-silver hair playfully, but I sensed a bit of decent in her tone._

_"That's not what I meant, Kill. I meant that, oh, how do I put this? Food that has lots of artificial- er, fake- flavorings in them have lots of these things called calories. If you eat lots of calories, you won't be healthy and strong. You might even get fat," Mommy mused._

Calories means fat and food means calories, and fat means weak... So eating will make me be weak and pathetic? _I contemplated._ But that's not what Daddy said. Daddy said that you have to eat lots of protein and vitamins to grow big and strong like him and brother. 

_But, didn't big also mean fat, and fat means no good?_

~~~

I shook my head to try to make the memory go away before they gave me a headache, but it was too late. I pushed the dull ache into the back of my thoughts. 

I took a bite of my granola bar and began to chew. While doing so, I took a look at the label for something to read so I wasn't just sitting there. I always had trouble eating without a distraction. After reading the ingredient list, most of whoms entrees I couldn't pronounce, my eyes shifted to the nutrition facts. I was about halfway through the bar when I read the calorie count. Wow, was it really 140 calories in just this little rectangle? After finding out what the snack really costed, I silently thanked Mother for not allowing me to eat them. Surely I would be fat by now, since little me didn't understand calories. 

I didn't really want to eat all that, but waste not want not, as brother Piggy always said. Whatever that meant. All I knew was that that was what he said before he ate a whole ton of food that he ordered online. I was glad I wasn't fat and annoying like he was. Nobody likes brother, and I guess now I knew why: because he was fat, and when people are fat they also are annoying and mean and yell a lot whenever their younger siblings make sounds.

I chewed more slowly now, and focused on the taste, and I even took tiny bites to make it last longer and seem like it was more, since it had so many calories in it. While I did this, I remembered why I liked to eat while distracted so much. Whenever I thought about what I was eating while it was in my mouth, I had a hard time swallowing it, even if it was really yummy. But, with the help of a bunch of water, I got it all down. 

I was about to throw the wrapper back into my bag when I saw that there were still crumbs. I couldn't get my bag dirty, so I shook them into my hand and held it out. I wasn't surprised when a big plump bunny came out from the brush and began nibbling the oats out of my palm. 

Animals made me so happy. They didn't care that it was my job to kill people. They trusted me and even liked to be my friends. That was more than I could say for a lot of the people I knew.

I spotted a trash can on the opposite side of the leaves, under a sign with a message about keeping nature clean, or something like that. I stood up and dumped the crumbs on a rock near the tree. I pulled my bag onto my back again and made my way over to the can. About a second after I let go of the wrapper, I heard a loud bang from a few yards away. 

Acting on instinct, I found myself holding my razor-sharp nails to a man's throat. He was holding a shotgun, barrel still steaming, pointed at the rock I had just left. This must have been that amateur from before. I knew he was right behind me, but I didn't think he would dare shoot a gun, not at me, a seemingly innocent child.

"What do you think you were doing?" I ventured, not really concerned, but more so annoyed that he would dare shoot anywhere near me. I wasn't even sure guns were legal in this country. 

"I- um, hunting. Saw that big old rabbit and couldn't pass it by," the middle aged man sputtered, sensing his danger. When most people feel my nailed against their throat, they think they're a knife. Honestly, they're not too far off. Though I usually go straight for the heart for a kill, I hold my hand to their throats when I want to scare them. 

"I waited 'til you were out of the way, I swear! I'm sorry! I- I just- the fat ones are the easiest, and-" 

There was that word again.  _Fat._ I raised my wrist and clocked him on the head, then watched him crumple. Like I said, I didn't particularly enjoy killing when there wasn't any benefit from doing so. Still. Nobody gets away with messing with my friends.

I ran back to the rock in a flash and discovered that the poor animal had been hit. She wasn't dead, but would be if I didn't do something. I watched in confusion as the rabbit tried desperately to make its way under a nearby shrub. What could it possibly need from under a bush? 

I filled the cap of my bottle with water and set it next to the rabbit while I searched for whatever it thought it needed so badly. After a few minutes of searching, I found a little burrow. 

Inside, there were four baby bunnies. The bit of fur that was growing on three of them matched the grayish-brown color of their mother's fur. I took off my red cap and piled the bunnies inside, after filling it partially with leaves and grass similarly to how their nest was built. 

By the time I returned to their mother, I found that she was dead.

I wasn't sad because she died. I was used to death and killing because lately, Dad and Gramps have been taking me out on their own hits, and sometimes they even let me take out someone that isn't on my usual, easy training hits or whatever they called them. 

Nope, I was sad for the bunnies. I thought about how I would feel if someone in my family was killed because of a sneak attack, with a gun of all things. So then I decided to take the bunnies with me.

I heard the unconscious man begin to come to. It was best to leave now. But no worries- I was a lot faster, and the next town is only 10 miles away! I held my cap tight and dashed down the trail, trying to hold back the laughter.

It didn't work.


	2. It's not like he's gonna bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua makes it to town and meets a new boy- an OC named Alex. What will they think of each other? Bookmark to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about taking forever to update. I've been writing more often plus school is almost out, so I'll be able to update more often. I decided to add only a bit more to this chapter, then just turn the other part into a third chapter. Please leave comments! I love hearing from you guys! <3  
> Let me know what you think~

As town approached, Killua slowed from his skippy, joyful dash to a jog, the to a walking pace. Killua peeked down at the bunnies to discover that three of them- the ones with hair- were cuddling together in one corner while the skinny hairless one that he’d named Charlie stayed cooped up in the opposite end of the cap. Killua tried to keep the hat steady in his hands so the animals could sleep, but they didn't seem to care. Killua reached out to poke the lonely rabbit, Charlie, to make sure he was alive. Surely enough, he stirred and looked at the junior assassin, miffed. Killua stuck his tongue out at it and watched as it set its head between its paws and returned to its slumber. Killua wondered why Charlie didn't want to be with his brothers, but then he realized... Maybe it was the others who didn't want Charlie. The thought made him sad. Killua decided that Charlie would stay with him. They seemed to have quite a bit in common.  
Killua decided to prolong his time as a free person by staying the night in the woods. Killua love the outdoors, and go camping whenever he had the chance. He set his hat down at the base of a tree and began to climb. Killua saw two areas that could work well for an over-nighter. one was a cave about a half-mile out, up a mountain-like stone structure, and the other was a clearing next to a lake about a mile to the north. Despite what Father always told him; "always go for higher ground. This way, you can eliminate surprises," Killua chose the latter. It's not like anyone had a hit out on him. Plus, he could have fresh water available at all times.  
When Killua leaped down from the ground, the rabbits squeezed in surprise. He giggled at the sound, amused. Immediately after the sound left his mouth, Killua scanned all around himself cautiously. Luckily, no one was around to hear his outburst. Mother would be disappointed in him, and Illumi would be furious. Piggy would call him a stupid kid or something, but Killua didn’t care what he would think.  
Killua found himself clenching his fists in frustration. Even after Killua released the tension, his knuckles were still white. Killua took a deep breath like how Father says Killua should if an enemy tries to upset him. Killua counted to ten and picked up his baseball cap. He decided to make a game by holding his breath and running as fast as he could towards the lake. His lungs were burning, but Killua made it to the clearing in around three or four minutes. Not his best, but to be fair, Killua wasn't getting enough oxygen. He collapsed under a large tree with thick foliage and let out his exhaustion in one big sigh, waiting another ten seconds before inhaling desperately. Turn every matter into a learning experience, Father says. After catching his breath, Killua set the animals down and scoped the area. No living humans or malicious animals, as far as Killua could tell. When he was about to sit down, Killua felt a pang of hunger. Why on earth was Killua hungry? He’d just eaten a whole 140 calories an hour ago. 140 is a pretty big number. Mother says that if you feel hungry, you should do exercise first and drink lots of water to confuse your body and fill your stomach. Well, there's a lake right here, and Killua haven't bathed in a couple days. He could tell there was no one around, so why not?  
After stripping down and placing his carefully folded clothing on top of his pack, Killua dived into the lake and swam downwards until he reached the bottom, then kicked upwards with as much force as the small boy could muster. Killua broke the surface of the water and flopped backwards, floating. He reflected on the day, recalling how brutally that man had slaughtered that poor animal, leaving her children to fend for themselves. Luck for them that Killua was there to help them. Killua started to swim laps and do breathing challenges to make it more challenging. After around two hours of exercise and games, he was beat. He had remembered to drink a lot of water while in the lake, even though it tasted like dirt and iron. It sure was effective with taking away his hunger. Killua had even met a nice fish named Sally. Killua imagined that she had a husband and baby fish to go back to when she swam away. Killua wish longingly that he could speak with animals. Maybe then Killua would have some friends that weren’t scared of him.  
Killua climbed out of the calm lake water and put his clothing back on. He wished he had packed a change of clothes; these ones were dirty and sticky. Killua ran his hands through his silvery white hair in an attempt to dry it. Somehow, he only succeeded in getting his already damp hands even wetter. Killua decided to wait until his feet were dry to put on his socks and shoes, since his wrinkly toes didn't want to go in the fabric. Killua walked barefooted to the tree where he left the babies. Two of the fattest bunnies were nowhere in sight. Their third furry sibling was sniffing around in some twigs. Killua heard a rustling sound coming from behind a bush. It was faint, even to his trained ears, but it was there. Killua took a quick step towards the noise and managed to trip over some kind of stump or rock, he was not entirely sure what it was. Naturally, he fell straight into a puddle of mud on the edge of the water. So much for cleaning up. Defeated, Killua collected some leaves and piled them on top of himself, similar to how Charlie had done in his nest. By that point, it was dark out. Must have been at least nine in the evening. As Killua allowed himself to drift off, he watched the fat bunnies emerge from the bush where the sounds emitted from. The last thing Killua remembered was the growling complaints of his empty stomach.  
As Killua awoke, he instinctively surveyed his surroundings. Once deemed safe, Killua emerged from his messy bed and splashed his face in the lake, then took a drink, hoping it would settle the ache that began to persist in his abdomen. Killua checked on the rabbits to find that the runaways were lying on the ground, dead. They'd found poisonous berries and munched on them. Wow, eating really does kill, he thought dryly. Killua took a granola bar from his pack and looked at it for a minute before returning it. No wonder Mother hates fat: clearly, fat creatures don't check their food before eating it, which causes them to eat poisonous things and die. Good thing Killua haven't eaten anything wild, or else he would probably be as dead as those rabbits right now.  
Killua found Charlie and the last other bunny that he deemed Rose each curled up, still in their ghetto nest. Rose was sleeping soundly while Charlie watched his every move cautiously. Killua liked Charlie. He reminded him of himself. Plus, he wasn’t fat, so he must not be stupid like his dead brothers or mean like his own.

He watched patiently as the surviving rabbits begin to stir. He decided to share his breakfast with them. Killua took out another granola bar and tore it into 3 pieces, distributing them equally between them. Rose tore into the bar, while Charlie barely picked at it. Maybe that’s why he was so skinny. When he was partially finished, Rose came over and stole the remainder of his food. Killua wanted to help Charlie, but he didn't want to pick someone else's fight. They're just babies, after all. After packing his bag and pulling on his shoes, Killua scooped up the hat and began the trek back to the path to town. As the sun rose, he found himself shielding his eyes, wishing he could wear his hat. Killua’s pasty white skin practically reflected the beating sunlight, making it burn his eyes.

By the time he reached town, Killua judged it to be about 10 in the morning. He pulled out his ruined map and scanned it, hoping to find the Heaven’s Arena, despite knowing it was locked out by the stain. He decided to just head for the inky blob.

The arena turned out to be pretty easy to find. While the city was large and crowded, the tower was right dead in the center. He walked through the busy streets before turning instead into a dark alleyway. This was more his style. Halfway through the length, a voice made him jump.

“What's in the hat?”  asked the small but sure voice. By reflex, Killua jumped straight up and perched in the windowsill, squinting cautiously at the source. There, in the shadows, crouched a young boy. Killua watched the boy’s body language. He could not sense malcontent, but was cautious none the less. 

“It's not like I'm going to bite,” whined the boy. 

“Um,” began Killua, unsure. “Come out so I can see you.” The boy complied. He was older than Killua, yet did not give out any negative vibes. How hadn’t Killua seen him in the shadows? His skills at observation and keen senses in general should have made it easy to spot anyone, especially a teenager.

The boy sighed. “I’m Alex. You?” Alex stuck out his hand in invitation. Killua let it hang. He cocked his head in curiousity. He didn’t really like talking, much less to a total stranger. He turned around and opted to walk through the crowded streets instead of dealing with this Alex kid. Unfortunately, it proved tricky to lose him. Alex just kept following Killua, pestering him.

“Hey, can’t you hear? What’s your name? How come you’re all alone, you’re just a kid.” At the last statement, Killua stopped walking to glare at the boy warningly. His honey eyes glinted innocently in the sunlight, complimenting his shaggy jet black hair. Alex crossed his long, rather lanky arms over his chest.

“Fine. You don’t have to tell me, but what should I call you then?” Killua ignored him and pushed through the crowds. Killua told him to go away.

“So he speaks,” Alex mused. “Come on, what should I call you?”

“Nothing. Go away.” Killua realized his mistake as it left his mouth. Alex grinned widely, his eyes brightening. Killua wondered why his eyes were so sparkly.

“Alright, Nothing. Where are you going?” Killua sighed in defeat. He pointed forward, past the masses of citizens. There must have been some event going on. 

“The Heaven’s Arena?” He asked. Killua nodded. “But you’re like, ten.” Killua felt pride at being mistaken for older than he truly was. 

“I gotta go to the 200th floor,” Killua chided.

“But why? That’s like, impossible.” Alex looked skeptical.  _ Tell me about it,  _ thought Killua. 

Killua stopped himself before he told Alex that he wasn’t allowed to return home until he completed his mission. So, he just shrugged.

“I just want to, I guess. I have to get stronger.” The last part was true enough. Alex didn’t push him for more information.

“So, what’s in the hat?” He insisted. Killua sighed yet again and tilted it forward. Alex gasped. “I freaking  _ love _ animals! Can I hold them?” He begged.

“Keep them in the hat, though. That’s Charlie, and the bigger one is Rose,” Killua informed him, passing along the cap gingerly. Alex cuddled the animals closely, clearly enjoying himself. How did a couple of bunnies make a kid so darn happy? Even though he didn’t quite understand it, it made Killua want to smile. Almost.


End file.
